I was posed the question a couple of times in fact about how I got Bob down to just 3-4 spankings a year in such a short period of time. Well to me it wasn't that short of a period as it did take take almost 3 years to accomplish this. But I've been told by some of my readers that they have been practicing this for longer than that and even ten years or more without arriving at these kind of results. So this got me to thinking what was so different about our situation than anyone else's. And to be honest I couldn't really point to anything that turned on a light in my head that said that's it.
So rather than try and think of one thing or more that could be the reason all I can do is write about what helped us get to this point. Do I think I'm a better spanker than anyone else? The answer would be absolutely not. I'm sure some women can spank harder than me and some not as hard. So bottom line is I don't think intensity has that much to do with it. Mainly because if you don't think your being effective my suggestion would be to try different implements. For example if your using your hand then a paddle would bring a lot more discomfort. The one thing I can't stress enough though is whatever you choose to use, get to know it as well as how much is enough and how much is to much, The object is inflict pain in the backside not to do any real and lasting damage. The ultimate goal is to get them to a point in the spanking that they are truly remorseful that they got themselves into that situation. For some that may come quicker than others. And even the same person different spankings can vary in achieving these results. Lots of factors there.
But the first thing we did was to sit down and talk to one another about what was needed and what was expected. Not just once either, we still communicate years later as that is the key to success. Once I'd decided I would do this for him I had some questions. First and foremost was how could something he found sexually exciting be a punishment. I mean you don't punish someone by rewarding them at least that's how I think. His answer was it is the thought of spanking that he finds exciting and that he didn't think the actual spanking would be something he enjoyed. Well I could certainly relate to a spanking not being enjoyable as that had always been my experience growing up. It was certainly nothing I tried to get or looked forward to. Knowing a little about his experiences already I knew he'd never been spanked growing up so he really had no clue what it was like. So I explained how it would be and that it wouldn't be something he enjoyed or in my mind I din't think so. I also told him that if I was to do this then whatever I say goes. I told him I would be the one to decide when he's learned his lesson and that he would have no say in how long or how hard of a spanking he got.Nor would he have any say in whether or not he deserved a spanking. I said so basically your giving up total control to me when it comes to discipline. He said he understood but I really didn't think he did with no past experience to compare it to. And I was right but he did figure out eventually real spankings hurt.
Next we discussed what it was he was really looking for in having me spank him. I asked if he was looking for role play for fantasy or acting out scenes. I said if that's the case we can do that and you can have a safe word when you've had enough. I said or are you looking for real accountability to correct behavior which is how I viewed spankings. He said since that's what he didn't get growing up that that is what he wanted to experience to help him with guilt and other areas that needed improvement. I'll get into those in a little bit but for now upon him telling me this I asked him if he was absolutely sure about this. He said he was and I again told him to think long and hard because if that's what he wants I'd give it to him but they would be real and painful. He asked if maybe he could have both real spankings when needed but also play spankings to where we act something out from time to time. I told him absolutely not it's one or the other. I explained my reasoning behind this and it's really pretty simple. I felt and still do feel that doing both would cause to much confusion. In other words if he did something that upset me enough to where I felt like he needed a spanking I didn't want him wondering if I was serious. I didn't want any question on his part of whether I was just acting out a scene for him or am I really upset. So as you know by my blog real spankings were the final decision. I still remember the first spanking I gave him was for procrastinating about cutting down a dead tree. I'd been asking him to do it for over a year and it still hadn't gotten done. It wasn't a big tree so it wasn't that big of a job but he just kept putting it off for whatever reason. Once we'd discussed spanking in our relationship I told him that next day he needed to get it done. A week went by and it still wasn't done so I told him it was time for his first lesson from me. I got a paddle one we already had and informed him I was tired of asking him to remove the tree. I told him to drop his pants and underwear and bend over the couch. He dropped his pants and underwear and his penis was standing at full attention as he bent over. I was determined not to make this exciting for him so I laid into his bare butt pretty good with that paddle all in the lower part of his bottom. The first swat he stood up and grabbed his butt and started rubbing and saying he'd go cut down the tree. I told him he would as soon as we were done. I said you wanted to experience discipline so he was going to experience it first for procrastinating. I ended up giving him about 15-20 solid smacks with that paddle to his bare butt and he was begging and pleading the whole time. I told him I'd warned him that real discipline hurts. I said so if you want to change your mind now about this then now is the time because this is what it will be like. He said it wasn't fun and nothing like his fantasies but still felt it would do him good. On a side note when I finished the erection was gone and he went out and had the tree removed in under an hour. It was about a week after this that I found out about him going and seeing his high school friend Dee behind my back.
So that's how it began but the first few months I noticed it seemed like he was doing things just to try and get me to spank him. So I thought well maybe I need to spank him harder or longer but even doing that got the same results. The only difference was he would go a little longer before acting up again but I still wasn't seeing any real change. Again making me wonder about that first question I posed about something he enjoyed being punishment. I mean by his reactions I could tell he certainly wasn't enjoying the spanking. So we talked some more again I can't stress enough the importance of constantly communicating. His answer was he certainly didn't enjoy a spanking and that I was a really good spanker. It's just that it being sexually exciting to him was pretty deep rooted in his mind. So while he hated the spanking while it was happening within a few days the thought of it started getting him excited. And yes he admitted he was intentionally doing things at that point to earn one as much as he hated the actual spanking. Or another way he put it is within a few days he would start thinking with the wrong head. So I knew I needed to come up with a solution to this problem if I was really going to help him make positive changes in his life. I needed to find a way to deal with and satisfy those sexual desires as well if I wanted a real spanking to be effective. We discussed this and he suggested that we could role play when he started getting those thoughts. Again I said no because of the reasons I stated already. But at the same time I thought he might be onto something minus the role play. So I came up with the spanking he ask for and even wrote a post about it by the same title. I won't go into detail as you can read about it in the post. But simply anytime he gets an urge to be spanked all he has to do is merely ask me for one. And I promised him and I'm proud to say I have always given him one. The big difference between this spanking and a real spanking is that he's in control the whole time. If he has a fantasy he wants to live out other than just in his mind this is his opportunity to do so. I don't want to know what the fantasy is so he does have to keep that to himself. But I'll give him exactly what he ask for as far as a spanking goes. So in a way it's role play but just for him I'm simply providing a spanking. And for my benefit these always lead to other things if you know what I mean. So in the end we're both satisfied.
Again he has to ask for these I don't just give him playful spankings randomly. That way if I tell him he's getting a spanking it can only mean one thing and that is he screwed up and is in real trouble. Upon doing this I saw a instant decrease in the number of spankings I was having to give him as well as real change starting to happen in his behavior. So that was what I'd been missing the first few months. Simple solution but not something I would have thought of on my own. It only came about by discussing things and communicating with one another. So with that problem solved it was time to move on to really helping him make those improvements that we both feel he needed to work on.
Again this is something we discussed in detail on what we both felt was and was not appropriate behavior. The big things for him were his temper, procrastination and being respectful to not only me but others as well. Most times the respect and temper were closely tied together as he would say something rude to me or someone out of anger. Not always though as I feel it's disrespectful to me for him to gawk at another woman. I'm not simply talking about noticing a pretty lady as that's a natural human reaction we all do that. But when he all out stares almost like undressing her with his eyes or turns around to see her backside after she passes by is what I'm talking about when I say gawking.
So these were the main areas we worked on with a few minor infractions as well but usually related to what I like to call the big three which I mentioned above. Now I realize reading my blog or any blog for that matter it can be a little confusing. By that I just mean it's easy to get the idea that this is like a full time thing for us. For some it may be and that's fine but for us nothing could be further from the truth. I married Bob because I wanted a husband and certainly not a kid to have to raise the rest of my life. And he is just that (A Husband) 100% of the time. He has opinions on things that I respect and plays the role of a husband in everyday life. He is respectful and kind and loving most of the time and a lot more so now than he used to be. Bottom line is you wouldn't be able to tell us from any other couple you'd meet. I say this because the whole FLR (female led relationship) covers such a broad spectrum that it's not fair to categorize every relationship into this one basket. As I said for some it may mean the wife has all the say in a relationship and the husband just does what she wants. And as I said if that's what someone wants and it works for them I think that's great. But for us we consider ourselves equals as husband and wife and probably what describes us closer would be DD or (domestic discipline). In these cases it's female led in the sense that I'm the one doing the punishing and he takes whatever I decide he needs. But this is what he asked for from me and I gave him ample warnings that it would not be anything fun or enjoyable. But again it's such a small percentage of our life.
I don't consider myself superior to him anymore than he considers himself submissive to me. I personally wouldn't want to be a dominant wife and I'm sure he doesn't want to be a full time submissive husband. So the only time we take on those roles is if he's done something in one of the areas I've mentioned above I move in to correct that behavior. And I do that through discipline and I take the dominant role and he takes the submissive role. But once the spanking or punishment is over we hug and kiss and move on as equals again. With the knowledge though that he knows that type of behavior will get me upset and him into trouble. So he learns from these experiences that it's best he avoid those things if at all possible.
So with that said I would like to say I'm certainly in no way looking for reasons to give him a spanking. I've heard some pretty petty reasons from some comments and emails that I would never dream of punishing him for. Things like forgetting to take out the trash or not folding the laundry properly or accidentally spilling something. To me that's pretty petty stuff to deserve a real disciplinary spanking for, especially to a grown man. Again I'm not knocking or putting down anyone that wants to do those things I'm just saying that's not us. And even the more serious offenses these days stuff that would get him spanked like losing his temper I can usually diffuse that before it gets out of control. For example if I see him starting to get mad or frustrated all I have to do is tell him he better take things down a notch or he knows what's going to happen. Most of the time that alone is enough to make him stop and think and continue on in a more rational manner. This can even be done in public without embarrassment or humiliation simply by whispering something like that in his ear. Or simply by givng him a look that tells him he's pushing the boundries.
So that's the real reason he gets so few spankings now is I'm usually able to diffuse a situation before it gets carried to far. And it works in all the areas I mentioned for instance if he's procrastinating about doing something he needs to get done. I'll tell him you need to get that done by whenever or there's going to be consequences. And guess what it usually gets done by whenever I told him it needed done by.
So that puts us back at square one about how did I get him to the point of just the threat of him getting punished is enough to correct his behavior most of the time. As I mentioned early on in the post I think the big key factor was in me finding a way to separate the sexuality of a spanking from a real disciplinary spanking in his mind. Again I did this with the two very different kind of spankings. The ones he ask for and the ones I decide he needs. Once that was established it was just a learning process for him that real punishment hurts and is embarrassing and is something he wants to try and avoid. So by learning that they continued to become less and less frequent. But here's the deal and I can't stress this enough and that is you have to be very consistent all the time so you don't send mixed signals. In other words "do what you say and say what you mean". Once you've discussed and decided what your trying to accomplish and made clear what will get him punished carry it out without exception. Don't get upset and threaten to spank him and then not carry through with it. They will test you especially in the beginning so you have to be consistent. If he breaks a rule you punish him every time no exceptions. If they do it again a few weeks or even a month later you punish them again only a little more harshly. For example the first time I spanked Bob for losing his temper I think I used a hairbrush. The next time we had to deal with the same thing I stepped it up to a strap. But again the bottom line is don't let them slide unless there's a pretty good reason for their behavior which usually is not the case. Most men like Bob that want to be spanked find it exciting in some form. Like I said he told me for him the thought of a spanking is what excites him not the actual spanking itself. So once he realizes he's gone over that threshold with me and is going to be punished he can come up with a million reasons why he did what he did. This is because once he realizes he's going to get a punishment spanking he dreads it and doesn't want it to happen. But once I've decided it's going to happen it's definitely going to happen. If we're out shopping or something and he crosses the line into improper behavior, I discretely inform him he's crossed the line and we'll deal with it as soon as we get home. There's no doubt in his mind that I'm serious when I inform him of that. He knows we're not going to get home and I will have forgotten about it. If I told him he was going to be punished then he's getting punished. So that's how you get them to a point of just a simple verbal warning or even just a stern look usually stops the behavior because they know your serious.
Hopefully this was helpful as I'm no expert by any means. Everyone needs to find what works best for them and their situation. But to summarize first you need to figure out what your trying to accomplish. And then be consistant with what you decide. And never stop communicating.
I would also like to gladly announce that M has informed me she would like to write a post on here to kind of explain her thoughts and feelings about her role in punishing Bob as well as me. So please when she does so be kind to her in your comments. In fact I may write a post myself sometime in the future about how involving other women in Bob's punishment came to fruition. As this certainly wasn't my intentions when we started this lifestyle.
Also I finally got another profile picture up on my blog and yes it's really me. I'm not going to show my face for obvious reasons but I felt it was time to give at least some identity to the woman behind the blog. LOL
All the other pictures I used to have on my blog got wiped out awhile back when my site crashed for some reason. I'm not going to try and go back and look for pictures on the web that fit my post as I simply don't have time. I'm just telling you this in case anyone was wondering what happen to all my old pictures. That was the reason and it wasn't me that removed them.